Just Sharing

Some recent pics of the resort

Thanks!

It still surprises me that a lot of my friends do check this blog and actually pay attention to the stuff I say here. LOL. I’d gotten random messages the past days saying ‘hey, you ok? I read your last blog..’ To you guys (you know who you are), thanks, really. It means the world to me.

So anyway, I’m back at the resort again. Nice day today, even if I had to drive here this morning whilst not feeling my best. I’d gotten some furniture made for the missing pieces in the rooms (finally), hopefully they’ll be delivered within the month.

I’ve also figured that I want my life to settle down. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean I want to get married immediately (come on, I’m sure that was the first thing that came to mind), but rather, have a solid life that I can really call my own. I want a life that’s built around me and the people and things that I love, rather than having to just waddle through life’s misgivings. That said, I know it’ll take a lot of time and effort to actually get to that point. But, little by little, I’m sure I’ll be able to pull through, just have to keep my chin up, is all. And I’ve got great people around me. On my cousin’s blog: You’ll know how much God loves you by the people He surrounds you with during hard times. Like her, God must love me a lot as well

Home

I’ve been wondering to myself lately. Mostly, these thoughts start with ‘why’. Why are they doing this? Why must they be this way? Why is it this way? Why don’t I get it? And so on.

Lately, I can’t seem to settle myself on what my ‘life’ should be like. Between being here in Manila (where I’m writing this now) and being in Batangas working, I can’t decide on what, or where my ‘real life’ is. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing things right, or maybe I’m convinced that I’m doing something wrong, but try to rationalize that it should actually be just right. Vague, I know. But right now it doesn’t feel like anything’s right. It’s so hard for me to sit myself down and say to myself ‘this is where I belong, and everything is where it should be.’

A friend’s status on facebook: ‘doesn’t know where home is’. That pretty much sums up how I’m feeling right now I guess. Its just the worst thing to be wondering about, for me anyway; where ‘home’ should be. Or what ‘home’ should be like. It’s really… many things all at the same time. Too many things. There are days when I don’t even feel like getting out of bed or leaving the house.

Very strangely too, I feel… so alone. I have my family around me, I have my friends around me, and sadly, I just don’t know how to place myself amongst them anymore. It often feels like I’d be better off keeping my thoughts to myself, rather than try to express myself and trust people to try to understand my thoughts, weird as they may be at times. Its just very disconcerting. I can’t feel that I’ve a place to call home. Its strange. I can’t explain it too well though, and not having anyone to really talk to about it isn’t helping either.

I’ve actually been trying to create this ‘home’ for myself and the people around me, maybe that’s it I figured, I haven’t spent enough time looking home. But then, its just frustrating when the people you care about, a mere handful in my case, can’t even get along with each other when put in the same room. It only leaves me with more ‘why’ questions, as well as doubt as to whether or not what I’m doing is right. I don’t know if I should be wishing that they would try to get along, I don’t know if I should be expecting any effort from them in the first place, but I know that I can’t call it ‘home’ if they’re not willing to be in it, right?

Rain in the middle of summer

1. Been a long time since I last posted anything (again, but hey, what’s new.)

2. Its May 11, the middle of summer (supposedly) but it is windy, and it is raining. Here in Batangas, no less. This has been really bad for business, but well, no use trying to work against the weather.

I’ve been out for most of the month of April, largely because Cat’s back, but I’ve gone to Baler, Singapore, Pinatubo and been out in Manila more times than all of January til March of 2009 combined. I’m back in the resort now, where the rain-carrying wind suddenly blew and the sun is shining from where its about to set. They say that an engkanto(spiritual beings) couple is getting married whenever this happens (rain when the sun is shining). Best wishes to them.

Pinatubo. Was overly equipped for this trip (big pack and everything), but it actually turned out pretty good since the weather was also being weird in Zambales yesterday. Got through the trip without any sleep, stealing only minutes of shut-eye between 4×4 rides. Got my new lens too (well, actually got it for this trip), very happy with it. Overall, nice experience, but probably woulda been better if we’d gotten some sleep before going. And Cat, I love you to bits, but please be more careful next time ok?

Looong Trip!

I’d just arrived at my hotel room in Singapore. Finally. I left my house in San Juan at 7AM this morning. Unfortunately, I’d been getting bad luck all day. At the check in counter at NAIA2, a couple of passengers (or the clerk person) held up the line for a good 30 minutes, cause of some golf clubs I think.

When I was finally checking in, the guy asked me if I wanted an emergency exit seat, and I said yes, cause that typically meant more legroom. When I got on the plane however, I realized that the extra legroom meant not having a seat in front of me, and thus not having any place to put my bag under (I hate stowing my stuff in the overhead compartments). In addition to that, the door was rather… extra bulky and made my seat feel so cramped.

So I make it to Singapore, get through immigration without problems. I head to the luggage carousel to pick up my stuff, and, would you believe it, the tarpauline that I brought with me was nowhere to be found. Fortunately, a lady was having the same problem and got the stewards there to have a look around, and they picked up my stuff instead of getting her stuff. Hehe.

The worst part though was the airport transfer that came with my hotel package. Usually, would rather do away with that and just find my own way to wherever, but as these were all last minute arrangements (thanks to Travel On Demand for always pulling through with my last minute planning), I wasn’t able to check and modify the package anymore and decided, hey, that’ll save me a good 30SGD to take the transfer. So I find the guy with my name at the arrival area, and was instructed to wait til all the people they’re waiting for arrives. So I waited. For an hour. Should’ve taken the cab or MRT.

At the very end of it all though, the hotel gave me a Premiere Club room. (NICE!) And I found out that I need not go to Marina at Keppel Bay today so I’ve the afternoon and evening to go and… EAT! Lau Pa Sat or Maxwell road! Anyway, some pics of the room (this actually made my day):

4 Months On..

Its been over four months since I’d last posted anything here. Everytime this happens I wonder on whether my thoughts really aren’t worth writing down or I’m just too plain lazy to post anything.

Looking at the page, the last time I’d posted anything was when I was having trouble with some people regarding the resort. Four months on, well, the resort’s find and doing very well, but I still find myself struggling.

Anyway, I was having this conversation earlier with a good friend of mine. We were talking about her being conflicted over whether or not to get together with a guy she’s been dating for some time now. She says she really likes/loves him, and that he’s a really good guy and that she’s happy with him. So I ask what’s wrong, and she doesn’t know, she figures she wants to be ‘courted’. I imagine every girl likes that feeling as well, but I asked her what the point was; why make someone you love wait? To make the long story short, she says she’ll talk to him soon about it.

So. Struggle. I don’t want to get into any more of the details, but let’s just say that I’ve been in similar situations in the past, and it ain’t nice. But as with everything in the past, this too, shall pass. Again, just hold on.

But God, it sure is exhausting.

Life is (still) a Highway

(Its been so long since i last made a post here that I was actually surprised to see a different ‘Add New Post’ page.)

Its amazing what a nice highway drive with the radio up (Green Tinted Sixties Mind) and the windows down can do for the soul. That, along with the cool breeze that comes during December. Its a nice reminder that my favourite time of year is, indeed, here.

I feel like the last couple of weeks have been taking its toll on me. I’ve been getting more and more depressed, I’ve been getting lazier and lazier to do the things I should be doing, and I just don’t feel like there’s anything that’s waiting for me at the end of all this (if there was an end.)

I’m not going to lie, I’m really, really having a hard time with what I’ve gotten myself into. Its a far cry from what I had imagined when I started this project. Nowadays, I can’t even get proper sleep trying to figure out how I’m going to make everything work. Sometimes I feel like I’ve bitten off more than I could possibly chew.

But again, I’m 25. I turned 25 two days ago (thanks to everyone who remembered and shared it with me). I am young, I know little. I have mixed emotions about this. On one part, it is a source of pride that I am young and am able to do the things that I am doing now. On the other hand, it sometimes feels like the world is bearing down on me, because I am young. I wonder if the people I work with respect me, they are all older than I am. I wonder if the people around me see me differently; sometimes I feel as though I’ve isolated myself from them. Worst of all though, is me wondering if some people around me are just trying to manipulate me for their own gains. The thought disgusts me, but then that is the reality of life. It pains me to no end how I have to be so wary of people. How wrong I was to have thought this would be a simple matter of ‘do your best and you will succeed’.

Not that I’m giving up. Life goes on, whether or not we decide to move with it; the world spins on. So, this is me picking myself up, driving down STAR tollway with the windows down and my radio turned up to its loudest, saying I can and will do this, no matter the cost.

On Death.

I got terribly mixed emotions earlier this evening when I said goodbye to my grandmother, knowing that it was most probably the last time that I’d be doing so.

Its funny how a death of a loved one suddenly shocks everyone into perspective. Life is short, make the most of it. Still funnier though, is how quickly we slide back to our normal, jaded selves.

But something always changes, jaded and disenchanted with life as we are. Sometimes the changes can be subtle, sometimes they can be earth-shattering, but they’re there either way. Earlier, as we stood in silence inside the ICU, whispers and murmured conversations allowed thoughts and deep emotions to rise up to the surface. ‘Am I living my life to the fullest?’, my mother asks me. ‘We (siblings) were raised without being vocal and open about how much we care for each other. We lack that affirmation of love and thus just take it for granted’, my uncle says. Thoughts and questions that would never have come out had death not made itself known again.

Live life. This was the conversation I had with that same uncle. He’d likened it to someone who keeps buying camping gear, but never gets to going camping. Here and now, I told him. Through all the deaths that I’ve had to go through, and through my own brushes with death, here and now is where I live.

To my grandmother, who has been such a huge part of our family life, who has taught us to be a family, who has held us together for the past so many years, may she rest with God in peace.

Heart and Head

I’ve been taught to live life following decisions based on passions. Passion. Emotion. The whims of our hearts are easy. We give in, we’re happy. A week, a month, a year, maybe even several years. But as most of us would already know, passions fade. The heart is just as easily bored as it is satisfied.

Decisions. Matters of the mind. Logical, practical choices based on logical, practical factors. A decision lasts a lifetime. At least that’s how it should be. Someone once told me that love, more than being an emotion or feeling, should be a decision. You decide to love someone. And when you decide, you’re sure, you know.

1+1. That’s what a decision is like. 1+1 is 2. Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, 10 years from now, 1+1 will still make 2. This is what a decision should be.

What we base our decisions on, that is for each and every one of us to decide on. But what I am sharing is what I have been taught, and what I know. A decision based on passion. ‘I love doing this. I will do this. I will keep doing this, I will keep loving this.’ Fatigue, exhaustion, weariness. It’s all part of the deal. The passion may fade, but the decision will not. A passion that leads to a decision. What we love, we must keep loving. What we do, we must keep doing. If we were to give up and give in to every single time we feel defeated, exhausted, then there really isn’t any point in doing anything in the first place.

It is difficult, to say the least. But its easier than living life without reason or direction. We choose how we live our lives, we decide.

Volatile

Volatile. That’s the word I’m looking for!

vol·a·tile (vl-tl, -tl)
adj.
1. Chemistry
a. Evaporating readily at normal temperatures and pressures.
b. That can be readily vaporized.
2.
a. Tending to vary often or widely, as in price: the ups and downs of volatile stocks.
b. Inconstant; fickle: a flirt’s volatile affections.
c. Lighthearted; flighty: in a volatile mood.
d. Ephemeral; fleeting.
3. Tending to violence; explosive: a volatile situation with troops and rioters eager for a confrontation.
4. Flying or capable of flying; volant.

Volatility defined by Wikipedia: A measure of instability.

Pfft. You people.